Movie Review: 10,000 B.C.

10,000 B.C. is the historically incorrect, pre-historic tale of a young leader who walks across the globe on a mission to save his woman, battle the planet's elements, and eventually become the world's first true leader--sort of like the Barack Obama of 10,000 B.C.

While director Roland Emmerich (The Day After Tomorrow, Independence Day) is known for popcorn fluff films, this movie is more like stale kernels on the peeled floor of an abandoned movie theater.  Not one original thought, cartoon-like clichés and a story that is unsure if it wants to be sci-fi, fantasy or a pre-historic romantic comedy.  While there are a few redemptive qualities -- like some of the visuals and the acting -- 10,000 B.C. is an example of what shouldn't be done in movies. 

The star of the film is Steven Strait, an American actor who was born in New York City.  He plays D'Leh, the "first leader."  How does he become a leader?  "The child with the blue eyes" (apparently the only person with blue eyes on that side of the globe--I guess miscegenation started a bit early in Emmerich's world), also known as Evolet, is captured into slavery by a band of muscular villains, who look like frequents of New York City leather bars. 
 
Evolet is portrayed by Camilla Belle, an American actress and best known as the star of the disastrous When a Stranger Calls in 2006.  After Evolet is captured, D'Leh and his band of boys trek to rescue the blue-eyed damsel.  Lest we forget, Old Mother, played by Mona Hammond, who is the telekinetic mother of the film and comes in handy whenever there is strife--think of a 10,000 B.C. version of Big Mama Joe from Soul Food. 

Whenever you watch these films about pre-historic times you always get into the lofty problem of race.  While race, as we know it, didn't exist back then, it sure exists in Hollywood.  For a predictable reason the movie stars pseudo-brown people.  The leads like Strait and Belle are "browned up" with dreadlock wigs--like Angelina Jolie in A Mighty Heart, but with a stringy wig of dreadlocks... maybe the NAACP will honor 10,000 B.C. with a few nominations next year! 

Everything about the actors' presentation is inauthentic from the fake dirt to their Transylvania meets Spaniard accents.  The representation of these pseudo-brown people is peculiar, unrealistic and borderline offensive.  Emmerich should've taken notes from Mel Gibson's Apocalypto and not "ethnicizie" his actors.  Is it that challenging for brown people to play brown people? 

Yes, that it's pricey flaw, but the biggest mystery of 10,000 B.C. is the audience never knows where on the planet the story takes place.  What country or at least continent are we on?  Is the story even on planet Earth?  Only in a foreign land can people casually walk through four different climates, know exactly where to go and never get tired.   This is the path I inferred: starts in the icy Caucasoid mountains, a quick dash into the jungle filled with killer ostriches, a breezy jog through Nubia and eventually ends in a dusty Ancient Egypt. 

Eventually, D'Leh and the crew meet some actual black people who believe he might be the "one."  Adorned in outlandish costumes, which include blonde ponytails, bamboo sticks and elaborate headpieces, they are sure D'Leh can free their people who were captured into slavery by light-skinned devils with long fingernails (yeah, I know it's getting worse, but this is the truth).  D'Leh is unsure of this "leader" label, so he must prove himself and get back his old lady. 
 
10,000 BC is boring, implausible and had a more predictable ending than a Tyler Perry film.  Visually the movie was satisfactory, even though some of the CGI effects resembled animation from He-Man & the Masters of the Universe.  Still, many of the action scenes kept the viewer's attention, but after each action-packed moment you realized all of that action and nothing actually happened. 
 
Another plus (I'm stretching), the acting was good.  You could tell the up and coming actors were excited to be in what looked like a high budget Hollywood film.  Sadly, I'm sure when they saw the final product they realized high budget means nothing with a shoddy script. 
 
Overall, 10,000 B.C. was a bad, uninspiring film.  I'm sure a caveman or an African king in 10,000 B.C. had a better idea for a story and it was more creative, well-thought and engaging than this Hollywood disaster flick.   ( Grade: D )

10,000 B.C. opens in theaters Friday, March 7.

Clay Cane is a New York-based journalist, AOL Black Voices contributor and creator of http://www.claycane.net.