So after the principal in Memphis and then Tatianna, I've been giving a lot of thought to this never-ending issue of coming out as it relates specifically to Black families.
You'd think that in 2008, that parents would react differently when their son or daughter discloses information that nine times out of ten, the parents already knew, but as Tatianna's parents showed us all, that simply is not the case.
Many of us have been there and done that. Some of us are still getting dressed in the closet and have yet to come out. And behind us are generations to come of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender African-Americans that will some day find themselves where we once were, the point of no return.
I thought it might be worthwhile to hear from those of us who have been there before on the issue of "coming out" as it relates to the Black family, in an effort to catalogue our voices on the issue. As sons and daughters, I feel that it's our voices that will make a difference with our families. Even those of us still in the closet, your voice is important too. They need to hear from us.
So with that said, I am going to leave this post open indefinitely to catalogue your input on what you'd say to Black parents who may be faced with having a son or a daughter "come out" to them. What did your parents do right when you came out? What did they do wrong? What do you wish that they would have said or done? How did your family's reaction to your coming out influence your relationship with them? How do you plan to react if your child is gay?
While coming out isn't relative to Blacks only, the purpose of this project is to hear from Black same-gender loving and transgender people on the issue. I'm not hating or diminishing the "coming out" experience for other races, but trying to keep the focus on the Black family and how being both Black and gay brings with it certain cultural nuances that deserve exploring.
You can post your thoughts anonymously or not. That's your decision. I plan to catalogue them on this site in hopes that one day when a Black parent Googles the words "coming out" and African-American or Black, this will be one of the links that shows up.
Thanks!
May 5, 2008 8:00 PM
Homosexuality is a very difficult topic to discuss being so complex. There are no right nor wrong answers. This is a topic relatively new to our society, not in a historic sense rather in a sense today we can discuss this issue openly and with lesser fear.
Stating the obvious, parents' first concern should be providing a good home and a good living environment for their children along with the best possible education. Environment and education are the most important issues relative to child rearing and these are notions where the most parents fail their children. Nothing else matters in a child's life when parents fail to provide an acceptable lifestyle for their children. A majority of parents fail to dedicate themselves to the health and well being of their children, evidenced by our average two in three divorce rate, and our high rate of single parent families.
Writing strictly from a Natural Science point of view, a female role model and a male role model are critical to a child's healthy development. Many will argue this point and I will point to Mother Nature. None can argue against Mother Nature nor can any argue against the adverse effects of a single parent family. These adverse effects of a single parent family are many, such as financial challenges and a lack of parent present at home during critical times of early childhood. This is not that a single parent cannot be successful in child rearing, this is a natural component is missing, either a female role model or a male role model; a child is denied the benefit of having both a mother and a father, as Mother Nature intends and designs.
Homosexual couples cannot naturally produce a child nor can homosexual couples provide a natural female role model or a natural male role model. Homosexual couples can be excellent parents but cannot enjoy this wonderful experience of natural biological reproduction. Other words, a homosexual couple cannot create a child truly of their own.
Keeping with Natural Science, Mother Nature intends for humans, intends for Her animals to couple up, female and male. This opposite sex coupling is literally millions of years in the making. This is the natural way, this is Survival of the Fittest.
Looking at Social Science, homosexual couples are a minority and are less accepted by society. This does bring about select types of hardship and does bring about adverse conditions.
Theology is also problematic. Some religions accept homosexuality, the many adamantly do not. This will effect the quality of a homosexual's religious experience. My feeling is a large majority of churches do not well accept homosexuality.
Inherently, there are a myriad of issues facing homosexuals beyond those few about which I write. Brass tacks is a homosexual lifestyle is a rough road to walk, is a road which leaves many homosexuals feeling outcast and alone. This is well evidenced by homosexuals being fearful of coming out of the closet.
I would not want our child to walk this road but would walk this road with our child, with love and pride.
This is not to write being homosexual is wrong. This is to write our children need to be fully informed of the consequences of their choices in life and not just a choice about sexuality. Our children must be well informed about their responsibility for and consequences of the choices they make in life. Many parents fail to address this topic causing harm to their children.
I fully support freedom of choice and fully support holding people accountable for their choices. Parents are under an inherent obligation to be sure their children are fully informed before their children make their choices in life. A majority of parents fail their children at this task.
This is not an ethnic issue, this is an issue of quality of parenting.
Okpulot Taha
Choctaw Nation
May 6, 2008 11:38 AM
I believe Ms. Cannick originally created this post with the hopes of archiving "coming out" stories (and suggestions) from black gays & lesbians, with the hope of aiding black parents searching for pertinent information in dealing with this issue.
With the first commentor's essay, replete with insulting & thinly-veiled reprovals and blame-game stratgem on the single parenting skills of those who may have SGL children, more than a few ignorant & incorrect statements about gays & lesbians themselves, and a tag cloaked in that whole tiresome CHOICE rhetoric, the noble purpose of Cannick's original intent is sure to quickly degenerate.
Parents always suspect. Mothers especially KNOW.
And fathers can be absolutely CRUCIAL in the successful developement of a gay boy's psyche. But if I could say anything to parents who have had a young child come out to them, or who they may suspect might be gay, I'd encourage them to provide a safe and nurturing home base for that child. Like Miss Choctaw Nation said, dealing with organized religion, and the WORLD can often be enough, only to have to come home and be ostracized, too. (This whole idea of disowining & kicking a gay child out in the streets is not only archaic and cruel, it certainly sets them up to become the failures and disappointments in life that they are often accused of being).
Educate yourselves. There are groups such a Pflag that offer counseling and support for families & friends of gays & lesbians - I would look for a local chapter. If you live in a more metropolitan city, there could be a more grassroots type group that may be more diverse, or relevant to black parents. Maybe YOU might be so inspired to create one? Perhaps it might be time for YOU to COME OUT of the lies, old wives tales, religious dogmas, and the old racial myths that might possibly prohibit you from totally embracing your gay son or daughter.
Get to know your child's friends, continue to be involved in that child's life, become an ally, show random acts of parental encouragement, and the only choices you'll be instrumental in orchestrating in your child's life will be his education, her level of high self-esteem, and perhaps the wonderful choices they make in choosing a great mate.
PEACE!
Corey
May 13, 2008 11:44 AM
There were several gay individuals in my black milddle class neighborhood throughout my teen years. We all had basically what I refer to as, a decent southern black mother. The kind that is going to love "all" her children no matter what! Which is a important element.We all had fathers in the home who worked hard and took care of their families. As I write this, I have families in mind I knew of personally. You will still go through the hurt and pain. But you can also educate your family over time just by being decent and yourself! I have always felt that loving myself was more important then trying to please my family! If you can not except me! Hell with you! Life is to short, I got to be me! That's how I have always lived my life. I can not waste my life, forsaking my own happiness, trying to please whoever. This coming from a painfully shy houseboy who never knew he was gay until he was 21! Looking back, I knew I was different but I did not have a word for it. Thank God for older and wiser "Queens"! They were able to guide me. You need someone in your life that understands. My coming out story is long so I am cutting a lot out. One thing, I was never in a closet, having no words for what I was feeling at the time. I have always been me and me only! However, I guess when the words came out of my mouth to my family (at 22) I now claim as my comming out! As a teen my life was centered around music. I entered for the first time in my life an all black middle school at age 13. It was the first time I was called a sissy, faggot and punk! I told no one and it went on every single day for 3 years. Many of my own black teachers were guilty of some stuff. I did not know what a sissy was back then. My life was school and back home! I entered high school the name calling stop! While my peers were into Patty LaBelle and Diana Ross. I discovered Johhny Mathis and Mahalia Jackson. When Johnny Mathis came to town I was sitting there with all those old blue haired women in a world of my own. Literally, in love with with Johnny Mathis and not knowing I was a sissy! Walking into a department store a met "one of the children" who help me discover myself. He ask me had I been to the club, miss thing was reading me to be out! But I had no clue, I went home and thought out loud that this guy looked to old to be in the boyscouts! I went back to the store the follwing week. He said meet him that night when he got off from work. He took me to my first club and the rest is history. The light when on for me that night and I discovered myself. I was never going to let anyone make me feel less! Being the kind of guy that a lot of women are attracted to has brought some pain to my life. When they read you as gay they find ways to attack you! I never saw myself as handsome. Although I knew I was far far being ugly. I let individuals robbed me for to long! It was time for me to toot my own horn. I became the best tall handsome sissy I could be and I'm able to turn a head today! I met my partner who is also black, we've been together for 21 years. I turned 53 this year, we own our own home and now I want my civil rights! I deserve the same rights as any other married couple. It's draining at times because of all the shit we must encounter . We can't reveal that we are gay on the job even if they suspect. It can make you bitter if you let it. I went on to teach music and I'm still being me!