You might be a racist if...

In the spirit of the "teachable moment" provided by the historic arrest of Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates for disorderly conduct in his Cambridge home, I thought I'd take this opportunity to attempt to offer some clarity on the increasingly amorphous phenomenon called American racism.

For starters, just what is racism and what qualifies one as a racist? Merriam-Webster defines "racism" as a "belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities, and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race." It also usually is characterized by racial hatred and prejudice, fueled by the belief that one race has the God-given right to rule over others.

Its meaning used to be pretty clear-cut, but after recently witnessing a slew of journalists, politicians, cops, and others do and say things that clearly indicate racial animus, only to hear them (or their lawyers) later issue statements categorically denying that they are "racists," some might be understandably confused.

The most recent case is that of Boston police officer Jason Barrett, who wrote and distributed the following astoundingly offensive mass email in response to a Boston Globe column about the arrest of Dr. Gates.

"If I was (sic) the officer he verbally assaulted like a banana-eating jungle-monkey, I would have sprayed him in the face with OC [pepper spray] deserving of his belligerent non-compliance." 

"I am not a racist but I am prejudice (sic) towards people who are stupid and pretend to stand up and preach for something they say is freedom but it is merely attention because you do not get enough of it in your little fear-dwelling circle of on-the-bandwagon followers."

"Gates is a goddamned fool and you the article writer simply a poor follower and maybe worse, a poor writer. Your article title should read CONDUCT UNBECOMING a JUNGLE MONKEY-BACK TO ONE'S ROOTS."

Of course, Barrett maintains that he was not saying that Dr. Gates is a "banana-eating jungle-monkey," but rather that Gates behaved like a "banana-eating jungle-monkey." Well, that explains it, doesn't it? And that "back to one's roots" thing-y could have meant anything, right?

Now, for some inexplicable reason, the Boston Police Department (BPD) is not buying Barrett's story and has suspended the Massachusetts National Guard captain, pending a hearing. The city's mayor reportedly has said that the officer is a "cancer" on the BDF and that Barrett is "G-O-N-E."

The poor suspended police officer has since filed a federal lawsuit claiming that his civil rights have been violated, and that city officials' comments have so damaged his reputation that he is physically ill and has been rendered unable to sleep. Barrett now has "post traumatic stress disorder." To add insult to injury, the National Guard has also suspended him. Bless his heart.

Okay, now comes the part where I take my tongue out of my cheek.

Just who does this cat think he's fooling? I have seen and heard a lot over the years, but I think this story takes the cake. I mean, have we really come to the point in this country that no one is a racist? Are we now to believe that these poor misunderstood people who hurl racial slurs are not consciously racist? I guess it's more of that "the system is racist, but the people aren't" or "racism without racists" crap.

It's even kinda like that other circular argument, "guns don't kill people, people do."

Alas, this is only the latest act in this uniquely American theatre of the absurd. That's why it was so hard to keep a straight face as I watched Barrett and his attorney speak their parts with straight faces during a recent appearance on "The Larry King Show."

At times like these, it is always helpful to look to our towering intellectuals for insight. That's why I believe the sentiments of that celebrated American thinker Jeff Foxworthy best crystallize this situation. Remember his "You Might Be a Redneck If" routine? Well, Jason Barrett, if you refer to Black people as "banana-eating jungle monkeys," you might be a racist. And you might get fired...